How to Be a Teacher Funny

If We're Going to Arm the Teachers

All I ask is that the librarians get silencers

Why don't personal teachers fart in public?

Because they're private tooters!

Waking up on a Monday morning...

On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding

I haven't even handed it in yet!

A man walks into a church confession booth ...

"Father, I have a confession to make; I had a threesome with two hot teachers."

"Well my son, we all have our transgressions. I want to you say 10 Hail Mary's".

"Father I can't do that, I'm Jewish !"

"Then why are you telling me this ? "

"Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY"

An Arab student e-mails his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

Why is it fun to date teachers?

Because if you don't get it right the first time they make you do it again ;)

Why don't English teachers like parole?

They prefer complete sentences.

I was expelled from school for masturbating in the showers

The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

You can explore teachers classmates reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean teachers tangents dad jokes. There are also teachers puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Mom: - "Get up Liam, you will be late for school."

- "But I don't wanna go, all the teachers and students hate me."
- "You have to go."
- "Give me one reason why I should go."
- "Your 35, and you're the principal."

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk?

My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Why are math teachers so unhappy?

Because they have a lot of problems.

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

i have no shame.

I'm an atheist with a god-complex...

...which explains why all my highschool teachers always said I never believed in myself.

A group of engineering proffesors got in a plane...

Before closing the doors, the flight attendants told them that the plane had been built by their own students. Scared, all of the teachers ran out of the plane, except one. The pilot came to him and asked him why he was so relaxed. The proffesor said "I know my students very well. And I'm sure that if this plane is really built by them, the thing won't even start!"

Late for School

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think I should go!'

'Firstly: you're 47. Secondly: you're the headmaster!'

A man in need of a brain

A man was dying in the hospital and he needed a new brain or he wouldn't survive for long, the doctor told him there were 3 available brains but each with a price.

The first one was an professor's brain that costs 3000 dollar

The second brain was a teachers brain that costs 2500 dollar

The third brain was the brain of a blonde woman that costs a good 9000 dollar

The man asks why the blondes brain is so expensive

The doctor replies: because it's never used

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop" the teacher interrupts "thats not right BB there is only one C"

BB looks at her as if she's an idiot

"WRONG" he retorts "THERE ARE *SEVEN C's*"

The karate student kept killing all his teachers...

I guess he became desenseitized

Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.

They don't like integration.

Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

whats a math teachers favorite soda

root beer

Cocaine in school

One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

Teachers didn't have sex with students when I went to school

There were principles for that.

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

Im Ok With Arming Teachers,

As long as the librarians get silencers.

Checkmate Democrats

If teachers don't have arms, how are they supposed to write on the board?

How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's not on the state standardized test and light bulbs aren't in the budget.

I think the $250 million we spent on bombs for Syria would have been better going to schools in our own country

Then there wouldn't be any teachers left to give raises to.

I don't fuss over the difference between "can" and "may" like other English teachers.

In fact, once a student asked me this: "Can you give me an example of future progressive tense?"
I responded with "Certainly. I will be seeing you after class."

He must have wanted another example, as he was still standing in my classroom when I arrived the next day.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Why can't people with a lazy eye be teachers?

They can't control their pupils!

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square.

The ironic thing about teachers is that they tell us to follow our dreams...

but will get mad when we fall asleep in their class.

My son came home and said "I got the Zucker Award today at school!"

I said, "What's that?"

He said, "A big building with teachers and kids in it, dad, but that's not important right now"

Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight?

Because their pupils are small.

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Schools are always telling you to "follow your dreams..."

But my teachers never let me sleep in class.

I know a guy that had a sexual relationship with one of his teachers

I suppose there's a lot less competition when you're homeschooled

Can teachers give homeless kids...

... homework?

Alabama is canceling home schooling.

Apparently too many teachers were having sex with the students.

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"

"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"

"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."

"One: you are 41 years old, two: you are the school principal!"

What's the difference between school and church?

In school, the teachers care about you mentally, at church, the priests care about you physically.

What do the Backstreet Boys and Algebra teachers have in common?

They both want you to tell them Y.

As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.

Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.

Why is this fair?

A guy in my class asked out a girl and he got a girlfriend. So I asked out a girl and lost my teachers licence. -\_-

Mother is waking her son: Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.

Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.

No, it's really high time, now get up.

But I don't want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!

Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!

Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.

Paulie, first of all, you're **45**, and second, you're the **headmaster**.

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

*The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:*

My dear loving son,

Twenty million USD have just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love,
your Dad

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper

They're always plotting something.

Why don't calculus teachers go to bars?

Because they don't want to drink and derive.

Homeschooling cancelled in Alabama

Too many students sleeping with their teachers.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, what do you all want to be when you grow up?

A farmer, shouts one.

An astronaut, shouts another.

The President of the United States, confidently says a little girl.

Who said that, shouts Trump. The little girl raises her hand and he darts eyes at her. He begins to fume, are you joking? Are you brainless? Are you a complete moron? Are you stupid? Are you an idiot?

The little girl, taken aback, says, on second thought, nevermind! That sounds like too many requirements!

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. You'll like it here, he tells her. Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.

Do you know who I am? the girl asks her new classmate. I'm the daughter of the principal.
The boy is silent and then asks her, Do you know who I am?
She shakes her head no. Good, says the boy as he walks away.

Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have a letter of the day and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked and the letter of that day was N so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers

They only care about the dead

Why do all math teachers wear glasses ?

Cuz it improves division

Math Teachers never die

They just reduce to lowest terms

My best mate's dyslexic and one of our teachers suggested he try poetry

He's made 3 vases so far

Bit of a dad joke but I find it funny

What do plumbers and teachers have in common?

They both gotta deal with little shits all day

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won't see me, my friends act like I'm not there. Hell even the mailman hasn't made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a transparent.

Average joke

3 teachers, Science, Auto shop, and Mathematics, go hunting together over their winter vacation. They come across an enormous 6 point buck. The science teacher who saw it first takes aim. He fires and misses by 3 feet to left. The auto shop teacher shoulders him asside and says, " this is how you do it!". He fires and misses 3 feet to the right. The math teacher jumps up and Screams, "we got him!".

Teachers hate my daughter procrastinating.

I don't know why though. She has done nothing.

Once upon a time, a man was saying...

"All my life, I've been afraid.

First I was afraid of my parents.

Then my teachers.

Then my Boss.

And finally of death."

Someone interrupted, " Why didn't you mention your wife?".

The man replied, " Because I am afraid, she is right here."

Did you know that all high school math teachers are lonely?

You can tell by them always asking you to find the X

Parents: it's a normal cough

Teachers: its a normal cough

Doctors: its a normal cough

Google: You have 3 minutes

An absent student

A Student, every time he is absent from school, he tells his teachers that his father is in the hospital, then when this happened way too many times, one of his teachers goes to visit his father
He was surprised to find
his father is in fact a doctor

My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

At least I know who is responsible for all these drugs in schools…

supply teachers

Jimmy, it's time to wake up.

I don't want to wake up.

You have to go to school.

I don't want to go to the school. All the teachers hate me. The students all hate me too.

But you must go!

Why must I go?

You're the principal.

What is an English teachers favourite food?

Synonym Rolls

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Source: https://jokojokes.com/teachers-jokes.html